The name is Blond...I mean Bond, James Bond.

Its arguably the most hotly contested issue among movie fans across the world. Of course I'm talking about who is the best person to portray James Bond. Now I don't lay claim to having an expert understanding of what makes the ultimate personification of the Ian Flemming creation; however, as is my understanding via television and the related media, it is crucial that the spy is depicted by someone who can convincingly portray the debonair, yet ruthless assasin working for the M16, someone who can effortlessly dispose of villains, looks good in a tux, knows his way around a stick shift Aston, is ready with the quips and of course, knows how to score with the chicks. Awhile back, when it was announced that not only was another bloke was going to take over the Bond mantle from the conventionally suitable Pierce Brosnan, but that he was to be played by the rather blond, nuggety and, dare I say, haggard-faced Daniel Craig, many people (myself included) opined their disapproval. Not someone I instantly would have picked as the sophisticated spy who lives out the dream of young and impressionable males. But...., after seeing the latest incarnation of Bond starring Craig, Casino Royale, can I emphatically say that I am now a believer? Craig is fantastic as Bond and is absolutely convincing as the intense, cold-hearted assassin that quickly disposes of villains either of a humorous caricature-ilk (eye-patch sporting dude, I'm talking to you) or the kind that are prone to a little double-crossing. Most importantly, and dare I say unexpectedly, Craig looks good, full stop. Wardrobe department? personal trainer? whoever? - round of applause for a job well done. Sure there were many moments where it was difficult to stiffle a gaffaw at the antics on display (e.g. crashing through a wall of plaster ala Hulk is one episode that springs to mind) and the plot of which to speak of was somewhat lacking, Another sticking point was the love story plot, where the 007 agent was prepared to sacrifice his commitment to the service for a *gasp!* a woman, which I could not reconcile with the love-em-and-leave-em lothario that he has often been shown as. Nevertheless, with the amount of biffo and brawn on display in this flick, its clear that this Bond was not someone to be triffled with and that he could dispose of someone in the blink of an eye. More so, his bulky physique made Brosnan's previous excursions seem rather wimpish in comparison. The retro intro could have easily veered dangerously into Austin Power's territory but was instead clever and stylish...aaannnnddd the Bond theme song we've all come to know and love was saved for the end! Hooray! From a female perspective, while rather violent, this Bond is certainly a cut above the rest of the imitators of late and though not particularly handsome, Craig effortlessly persuades us that he is the suave and sophisticated secret service agent who can really fill out a three piece suit - you heard right, a three piece!

Famous faces in local places - Episode 2

"A twin brother???!!! Whatdjootalkin' about? I got no twin brother. Stop talking like a damn fool."

Famous faces in local places - Episode 1

"Whodjatalkinabout Mister D???!"

My favourite albums

Ms Gegenbauren's indignation and outrage at the inclusions made on the ABC's recent My Favourite Album, and the plea to compile a list that you hope won't be influenced by pesky publicists and press managers, has led me to this post of my own choice 20 albums. What you'll find is a hotch-potch of nostalgia, teen angst, rebellion, introspection, the always underestimated concept album, old fashion rawk, a bit of disco and predictably, glam (a word of warning: this does get rambly in parts so bear with me):

Moon Safari – Air
One word: Perfection.

Saturation – Urge Overkill
Take me right back to 2nd year uni. A kick ass album to have in the car for those long drives. Crank it up from the first song, 'Sister Havana' and you are in for an auditory ride of your life.

OK Computer – Radiohead
Not sure if this is actually regarded as a concept album, either way I would list it as the best concept album! It's the defining Radiohead album for many because it served as a portend of what their subsequent crop of albums would be about, but to me it sound like the ultimate soundtrack to a sci-fi thriller where menacing alien life-forms are about to hold our planet to ransom... or something.

Hourly, Daily – You Am I
....Okaaayyy Moving right along, You Am I, this nations best band, cemented their reputation as the best thing since slice bread musically with this doozy of an album. Its predecessor, Hi Fi Way was pretty stellar as it was but it didn't have a hidden track like Hourly did.

The Trials of Van Occupanther – Midlake
This rather recent inclusion is bound to be a classic favourite for the strange reason that it already sounds like a classic, circa 1976, kinda Fleetwood Maccy. Enough reason to love this album is the fact that "Roscoe", the coolest name around for a guy, is a title of one of their tracks.

All that you can’t leave behind – U2
Love it simply for the goose bump factor. To some it might be a little contrived, but I love the way these guys tug at the heartstrings with tunes about peace, harmony and all that crap.

Rage Against the Machine – Rage Against the Machine
If you're going to make a political statement in music you may as well use all the swear words available. RATM novice album announces itself with its fist-pumping, profanity-laden anthems railing against injustice, racism and all that crap.

Whatever and Ever Amen – Ben Folds Five
I believe this was the sophomore effort by Ben Folds et al. While this album is best known for the popular 'Brick', this album is chockers full of other goodies including the perennial slacker theme 'Battle of who could care less'.

Thriller – Michael Jackson
Say what you will about the Wacko Jacko of today but in the 80s he was cool. Who among us wouldn't recognise 'Billie Jean' from the first note. The thing i remember the most about this album is that is was so cool that kids clamoured to get themselves a Michael Jackson 'Thriller' or 'Beat It' jacket. Demetri Martin, as he related to us in his shows earlier on in the year, succeeded.

Versus – Pearl Jam
I vote this one above 'Ten' for the simple reason that it is more politically themed than its predecessor. A few stand out tracks for me include 'WMA' and the gentle 'Elderly Woman Behind a Counter...'

Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack – Bee Gees and others
Got me through writing my honours thesis as I toiled away in the wee hours of the morning. I don't know why I picked this album to listen to but dammit it worked.

A Rush of Blood to the Head - Coldplay
Although probably not meant to be a literal interpretation, years ago while trying to perfect an experimental technique at work I was convinced that the line '..nobody said it was eaaasssyyy.' from 'The Scientist' was aimed at me and as such I found a soft spot for a band who could sympathise with a poor, hapless scientist. Ditto The Flaming Lips for their great 'Race for the Prize', unofficially the theme song for struggling scientists all around the globe.

Rubber Soul – The Beatles
Although it doesn't have what in my opinion is the best Beatles song 'A day in the life', Rubber Soul is nevertheless full of goodies including the soulful 'Norwegian Wood' and 'Nowhere Man'. Rubber Soul was the album to turn the tide for the fab four, transforming them from what was essentially a boy band into the seminal act of the 20th Century that continues to influence artists to this day.

Achtung Baby – U2
Probably the better of the two U2 albums I've listed here, but I placed this further down because I have a more sentimental attachment to 'All you Can't Leave Behind'. Love this album simply for its killer songs that tug at the heartstrings (as all good U2 songs should) such as the sublime 'One' and the catchy 'Ultraviolet (Light My Way)'.

Angel Dust – Faith No More
I got into Faith No More in high school when they attained commerical success off the back of their third album (i think) 'The Real Thing', but I found 'Angel Dust' to be creatively superior with its unique melding (for its time, that is) of different musical genres with metal. Mike Patton's phenomenal vocals complement the dark, surreal and sometimes disturbing themes evoked in tracks such as 'Kindergarten' and 'Caffeine' - a paen to those addictive types whose morning addictions sometimes hint at violence!

Way to Blue – Nick Drake
My appreciation for the work of Nick Drake has come fairly late in the game, so thanks to Ms Cassiopeia for showing me the way. Perhaps the sad circumstances of his death at a young age add to his mystique, but his soulful, solemn and beautifully gentle songs hold their own too. Armed with a guitar, Drake crafted beautiful music with stark and painfully melancholic lyrics as a way of dealing with his depression. Not a complete downer though, there is a glimmer of happiness with the beautiful 'Northern Sky'. Though 'Hazey Jane II' has to rank as the most jazziest, snazziest, funkiest depressing tunes in the world.

Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand
Their appeal may lie in the fact that, like Midlake, these guys also chose to emulate the sound of a different decade, in this case the 80s. However, don't let that dissuade you into thinking that these guys sound like a pack of precious, make-up sporting fops. These guys are fun. From the get go, this album reels you in with the dramatic ('Auf Achse'), the ridiculous ('Michael') and the rollicking ('Dark of the Matinee').

Dynasty - Kiss
An old favourite that perhaps reflects my age more than anything else. Love this album for the shock factor - check out the cover - as well as for the good old fashion 70s rawk.

Innervisions – Stevie Wonder
Good old Stevie had plenty of gems over the years, and plenty of them come off this stellar album, including my favourite track 'Living for the City'.

Ultraglide in Black – The Dirtbombs
Never heard of The Dirtbombs until I had the good fortune to catch them a few years back supporting You Am I on a Cup Eve gig. Their dual drums/dual bass set up had me sold from the get go and as soon as I could, I went looking for any album of theirs I could find. Being a tribute album of songs by African American performers, its not rich on original material, but their interpretations of songs by Stevie Wonder ('Living for the City' yay!), Curtis Mayfield, Barry White and Sly Stone are irresistible. Definitely my best buy in a long time!

For more lists of favourite albums check out the blogs of:
Cassiopeia Gegenbauren
Yossarian
jfox
Flygirl
Sartorial Splendour

Ways to amuse yourself during a weekend in Melbourne

1. Treat yourself to a nice coffee with fancy-schmancy patterns on it, the way only the latte-sipping, left-leaning yuppy brigade know how to:

2. Hang around Russell St in the hope of bumping into international dignataries here for the G20 economic summit. Oh hang on, what's all this then? A strong police presence?

3. Ohhhh, that's why. Yes if you wanted to pretend that mindless vandalism nicely captured by the media would get the message across to G20 dignataries to engage in fairer trade practices then Melbourne was the place to be for that sort of thing.

3. You might have also found yourself witness to the surprise appearance of these two gentlemen at a Make Poverty History concert organised to coincide with the G20 summit to raise awareness of global problems (like we need to be reminded!).

4. Given the appearance of the gentleman with the wrap-around shades in the previous photo, a sensible thing to do was to also head over to Telstra Dome and watch him with his band of merry minstrels electrify crowds of thousands. Woohoo!

Tiptoe through them tulips...

...or daffodils?

...the artzy angled experimental shot,

the bold & the multihued

and some more daffodils... uh i mean tulips. Pretty though

---Floriade 2006---

Take this job and have it...staffed

The funny thing about the nature of my work (in general terms - nothing against my new job whatsoever!) is the fact that in spite of doing this thing for a number of years i still like to wonder about what i'd like to do when i "grow up", as if this was merely a transitory stage until I'm ready to enter the realm of the adult world where jobs are about business wear, trade mergers & acquisitions, working in cubicles and worrying about promotions (i based my perceptions of this world on Dilbert). Not that i actually hark for a day where i'd have to file reports and learn how to speak water cooler talk. If i were to have a dream job where by some freak of nature i am astoundingly talented at everything i do i'd like to take a punt on the following:

1. Nature documentary host ala David Attenborough - wouldn't it be great to marvel about weird glow in the dark bugs or the unusual mating habits of the tibetan monk frog of patagonia (not sure what makes it tibetan)? I'd love to adopt his endearing ways of speech...which by the way i swear i'm not kidding, i hear him playing inside on tv as i am typing this away.

2. Travel documentary host ala Catriona Rowntree (although i'd likely refrain from her one too many bikini shots or overuse of superlatives to state the bleeding obvious) - mainly to have a legitimate and fully funded reason to go on overseas junkets 356 days a year.

3. Iron chef food appraiser - how cool would it be to be one of those eminent guests of the chairman kaga's kitchen academy y'know the ones who at the end of the show decide whose cuisine reigns supreme!?

4. Vet (i'm with you on this Yossarian) - i love my animals and i'm not too idealistic or squeamish to be aware of the less cute & fuzzy aspects of this kind of work. Our little furry, scaled & feathered friends provide us with so many benefits and simple joys that we owe it to them to help them when they aren't feeling the best.

5. Singer/muso - sure laugh if you will...but one day I'll prove the critics wrong with my unique blend of funky blues & reggae with a touch of harmonising polka all done in the style of acapala.

Adios old friend

I like Pluto. I thought everyone liked Pluto. Question is why don't the egghead astronomers like him anymore? Or at least enough to count him as a planet anymore? Just 'cos he's the little guy and he's further away from everyone else is no reason to exclude him. What's next?

How I wish I was here

Following up the meme theme from Flygirl, here is a list of my 5 favourite places in time to be...

1. Boring perhaps but sometimes the best place to be is the here and now, where you get to savour the trivial and (not always) mundane things in everyday life. For me this would be things like: sunday walks around the neighbourhood, tuning into the breakfasters on RRR every morning on my drive to work, pissing myself silly to the simpsons or futurama, sampling some mighty fine cooking c/o sis, enjoying fierce political debates with work mates complete with everyone's own conspiracy theory & the almost-religious habit of checking the age online website first thing in the morning.

2. Spring 2004, when the calgary flames came within a sliver of a hair's width of winning the NHL's biggest prize, the stanley cup, was a crazy and fun time to be in calgary. A time where most residents (meeself included, i have the t-shirt to prove it) jumped on the bandwagon and claimed to be the biggest flames fans evaah! Fans littered the streets after a win such that one street was named the Red Mile because of the sea of fans in team colours that would congregate there after a win. You had strangers high fiving one another, people yelling 'Go Flames!' like their lives depended on it, merch sales going through the roof, us piking out of work a few times to watch a game, many a frantic (though naturally fruitless) effort to score tickets online, nearly every frickin' car having a flames flag attached to their windows...i tell you those were crazy times, too bad the eventual loss in the final decider brought all that insanity to an anticlimactic end.

3. Goat's Eye Mountain, Sunshine Village Canada, gives you an amazing view of the nearby and formidable Delirium Dive, a vertical drop/run for adventurous alpine pundits (read: lunatics) out there, who don't get to scale the run unless they're equipped with a shovel, pick and headlamp first (avalanches y'see). Goat's Eye rates as one of my favourite places in the world to just sit and relax in and where you can admire a clear vista the world's most insane double black diamond runs. A thermos of irish coffee and a deck chair would just about complete the scene for me.

4. Vic Market is one of my favourite places full stop and I have a firmer appreciation of this place now that i know that not every city is blessed to have a cornucopia of gustatory delights at their disposal. The colour, the food, the fresh fruit & veg (notice the price on those bananas), the aromas, the dwarf bunnies (not to eat of course)? I'm constantly amazed at how lucky Melbourne is to have one of these wonderful places to buy tasty things from!

5. Canada Day 2004 spent with sis was a great day. We started the day by casually walking over to the city to Prince's Island park where a crowd of locals usually congregate on their national day. After treating ourselves to a nice home-packed lunch, and sampling some of the local produce on sale there (luscious Bing cherries, fragrant yellow peaches, kettle corn), we strolled over to Eau Claire Market. The 20-mins-previous sunshine had suddenly switched to the blackest-sky-ever-seen-thunderstorm and sent the crowd scurrying for shelter. Sis and I found ourselves riding out the storm with a crowd of others up on the market's upstairs (sheltered) balcony area. As soon as the storm passed, people filed outside and resumed the festivities. We decided to watch the nearby jazz band play music and had a good chuckle at the antics of a well imbibed (though nattily attired) gentleman attempting to jam with the band using his leg as a guitar. Watching Greece beat the Czech Rep in the Euro Cup semi over dinner added to the surreal nature of the day as we wondered how the heck they managed to qualify for the finals. On a whim we then made our way over to Canada Olympic Park to watch the annual fireworks display. After claiming a primo spot on a hill, we sat down to enjoy the entertainment on offer: a nice bit of country & western music and line dancing. While the fireworks were pretty nice to watch, it was refreshingly quirky to hear the crowd, upon seeing a maple leaf-shaped pyrotechnic thingy shoot into the sky (sounds weird i know), spontaneously start to sing 'O, Canada!' (in fact that sounds kinda weird too). A free shuttle ride that ferried the crowds back home and dropped us off practically right outside our door completed the grand day out for us!

Long winded stories of the you-had-to-be-there kind I'm afraid but if you want to get another dose of this meme make sure you peruse the writings of: Cassiopeia Gegenbauer, Vernoona, Flygirl, Taichi Fox and Sartorial Splendour.

What are you smiling at??

Sorry Pete but Little Johnny says...

Is it possible that even Roc Raida is in on it too? Whatever the case, its great to see the long-overdue implosion happening over at Hobbit headquarters. Not a trace of schadenfreude here, just happy to watch the self-destruction unfold...

The FIFA's gone but now come the withdrawal symptoms

In a dramatic turn of events Italy, those Azzuri baccalades who broke Australia’s heart, emerged as the eventual winners of that month long tournament of futbol madness - FIFA if you like - known as the world cup. What can you say that hasn’t been said already? Who at some point hadn’t wished that refs grew extra eyes, preferably ones with 20:20 vision? Could anyone have predicted a Brazil-less final? How many yellow cards did it really take to eject a player off a game? Who would’ve contemplated the possibility of a brawl erupting between fans after a Germany/Poland game? What provoked Zizou to headbutt himself out of his last game and France out of likely victory? Is Cristiano Ronaldo the likely successor to David Beckham as the world game’s pretty boy? Where did Ned Zelic get those suits from and did the smirk come with them? Who out there felt that the tournament lacked the flamboyance of a Carlos Valderama-type 'fro? (Okay maybe just me). And lastly, will Australia ever get over their second-round loss to Italy once and for all? Time will only tell with regards to that last matter but what a ride it’s been: the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the drama, the excitement, the mayhem, the astounding win(s), the agonizing defeats and yes, the eventual return to normal sleep patterns.

An amazing race

My dream itinerary of a trip around the world would ideally go like this:

1. Melbourne to Dunedin: Haven’t yet made the trek out to NZ and when I do I will go the predictable option and go to Queenstown to get my fix of alpine related activities and the extreme way of life by our neighbours across the Tasman sea…. I’m talking Shortland Street DVDs.

2. Dunedin to Santiago: Chile is a geographically perplexing country extending through many degrees of latitude from the arid landscape of the Atacama desert (driest place on earth) to the southern tip off the straits of Magellan, a wee 950 km from the Antarctic circle. Watching the Motorcycle Diaries confirmed in my mind that the Chilean Andes and Chile is one place I must see at some point in my life. It’s got mountains, it has great wines, it has an unfortunate episode of cannibalism in its history, alpacas, and… maybe a Gael Garcia Bernal lookalike answering to the name of Che? Plus it shares the delightfully named Tierra del Fuego with Argentina, and really, how nice is it of Chile to do that?

3. Santiago to New York: One day I will make it to NYC and try to traverse the five boroughs as espoused by the Beastie Boys (Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Staten Is.). You can’t really pass up going to a city that’s inspired so many books, songs, sitcoms, video clips and it has to be a must for anyone wanting to experience American culture - as seen on TV. So many pop culture references: Catcher in the Rye, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Sinatra, The Godfather, Seinfeld, The Ramones, Batman, Home Alone and of course Diff’rent Strokes.

4. New York to Glasgow: As much as I love the Glaswegian accent I hope I can find (and understand) someone who can tell me where to find that famous lake of legend that inspired countless episodes of ‘In search of…’ and adorned just as many covers of ‘The Fortean Times’ . I’m talking Loch Ness. Not sure if I will encounter the eponymous monster Nessie. If not, there will always be the tacky Loch Ness souvenirs to serve as happy reminders of my travels. Loch Ness Monster snowglobe? Dartboard? Tea towels? Commemorative plates featuring an etched portrait of the monster in profile perhaps?

5. Glasgow to Copenhagen: From a legend to a fairy tale, and no, I’m not talking about Princess Mary of fricking Tasmania. I’m talking Hans Christian Andersen. Although it saddened me somewhat to hear she was being targeted by vandals, I’ve always wanted to go and see the Little Mermaid statue that was created in honour of HCA’s legacy to Danish culture and fame. I’ve heard also that Copenhagen is one of the flattest (and therefore easiest) cities to cycle around in Europe.

6. Copenhagen to Sapporo: If I were to go to Japan, I think I would prefer to go to the northern island of Hokkaido and experience some serious mountain life. The mountain resorts on Hokkaido are said to be the best in the world for powder. I don’t profess to be an expert on alpine-type activities or even on knowing how to stay upright on a board long enough, so the virtues of powder are probably wasted on me. Still, spending a week skiing on one of the island's resorts would probably be the best way to wrap up my imaginary sojourn around the world. Most importantly it would help make for a nice, all-tuckered out state to help me sleep well on the flight back home to Melbourne.

Momentary Commentary

I would like someone to explain to me this rather curious trend of ex-Liberal pollies suddenly developing moral backbones when they end their political reigns of terror. Jeff Kennett receeded out of the political limelight a number of years ago and eached an epiphany to become spokesperson for Beyond Blue. No doubt he was drumming up business for them all along when he was premier. Malcolm Fraser, who admittedly is not a new face to humanitarianism, still has the distinction of having been a Liberal (a PM no less) and that's bad enough in my books. However, his opinion piece in today's age made me raise my fist in the air and say "Yeah!". It highlighted well (at least in my mind) many of the moral shortcomings of the present government of which many of us already know, but don't hear about often enough in the mainstream media. But beyond this fist raising and blood boiling and the like it started to occur to me whether a similar thing might happen with little johnny when and if he ever gives australia a break and effs off to oblivion. Hard to imagine him ever having any shred of credibility in the sharing & caring stakes but then again I wouldn't put it past him to try...

Well done boys!

Couldn't let the socceroos 3-1 dream result against Japan go without mention...how good was it to see the socceroos: (1) not just play a game in the world cup; (2) not just score a goal or two (or three if you like); (3) but actually win the bloody match!? Who would've thunk it?? This is a red-letter day moment, the sort where you ask the question of where were you when it happened. The fact that most would reply that they were glued to the teev at an ungodly hour, mindful of the fact that they had an early start ahead of them doesn't diminish in the least the significance of this momentous achievement. All up I'm stoked.
Postscript: The remarkable dream run of the Socceroos at the World Cup saw our boys defy all expectations and miraculously advance to the second round. As fabulous as and as unexpected, surely then no one could have predicted a more heartbreaking end to the second round game against Italy where our guys dominated for most of the match. Very Shakespearean (sp?) i thought. Deciding to award a penalty shot in the dying last seconds of a game? Against Lucas Neill !? Are you sure? That was probably the most cruel and most calculated way for a ref to have intervened in a game's outcome. Sour grapes? Maybe. But to those cynics who said that if Australia wanted to win they should have capitalised better on Italy's early red card. Well Portugal had a similar scenario on the weekend after a particularly thuggish display by lager lout rooney resulted in his early ejection too. When portugal had to endure extra time and penalties to get their win no one begrudged them that did they?

Nevertheless, it was an exciting, heady time to be an Australian there for a while and i'm glad that the guys had made as far as they did. As for now i say bring it on Portugal! I hope you guys get a chance to knock the socks off Germany or France or *mwhaha!* Italy!

History might never repeat

Wow! What a treat we were afforded to seeing the reformed Split Enz play a packed out Rod Laver Arena over the Queen’s birthday long weekend. Ever since it was announced that the Enz were going to reform and play a few shows around Australia (and naturally New Zealand), this has been one of this year’s most highly anticipated concerts (sorry U2). It is easy to cynically deride this kind of reunion tour as one of those feathering the nest-egg numbers that often happens with musical acts of a previous era (John Farnham, The Eagles and *sigh* Kiss to name but a few). Maybe it played a role or maybe it didn’t, but when a band sounds this great and looks like they are having such a good time ultimately who really cares? My only lament is the fact that I came so late to the party even though the songs of the Enz were such a part of my generation. Worse still, my ears still burn with the shame of having ridiculed people at high school for preferring Split Enz and Crowded House to my glam metal mulleted hunks. Imagine that? Listening to the daggy Crowded House when you could be ogling at pictures of Bon Jovi, Motley Crue and Europe (?!!). Oh well, it seems that musical taste is one of those things that evolves with age – how else do you explain the success of Crazy Frog. Big thanks to our dear friend and massive Enz fan Yossarian for organizing the tix for their Melbourne show – make sure you check out the great write up of the show!

Best Cover Art as voted by...me!

I apologise for having taken a few liberties here and compiling a list of albums covers that i don't necessarily own (well i've got a few of them, if it helps)... I picked these albums mainly for their visual impact and in one instance for clearly showing how out of control things have gone for one barely-recognisable individual (Hint: He used to own a chimp). I also happen to like the music from these albums and have picked what i regard as the defining track of the album.

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – The Beatles. Back in the days when album covers were large enough to warrant putting effort into them, you really did get bang for your buck with the detail on this cover. That way if you ever got bored with the album you could always play ‘Where’s Wally’. Notable track: A day in the life


Open up and say ahh… - Poison Despite many a mother’s refusal to buy this album (okay maybe just mine) it still was enormously popular for Poison ('who?'). The depiction of evil sexy reptilian vibes was probably the main reason mum didn’t approve. I managed to get it taped on a cassette but it just wasn't the same for me. Notable track: Every rose has its thorn

Dynasty – Kiss Placing snapshots of each band member’s make-up design on the cover helped one pick a favourite: Star Lover (Paul Stanley), Space Man (Ace Frehley), Demon (Gene Simmons) or Catman (Peter Criss), as well as armed one with the know-how of how to recreate that look. Notable track: X-ray eyes

Saturation – Urge Overkill I really love this album because the way the UO are projected on the gigantic moon made it seem like a sort of bat signal. The use of primary colours is also quite striking...also anything that makes a veiled reference to extraterrestrial matters is strangely compelling. Notable track: Sister Havana

Off the Wall – Michael Jackson Michael Jackson in the days when he was still black, still had a nose and…heck, who are we kidding, was still human. Pre-Wacko Jacko even had a sense of humour as evidenced by his decision to stand in front of an Improv comic-styled brick wall. Notable track: Don't stop til you got enough

Dishonorable mention: Sticky Fingers – Rolling Stones This Andy Warhol-designed (of course) cover trespasses into the ‘too-much information’ territory, where one is graphically reminded of what happens when a bloke foolishly decides to wear an excruciatingly pair of tight jeans, sans undies. Interesting fact 1: Motley Crue co-opted this cover for their Too Fast for Love album but mercifully without the meat & 2 veg visuals; Interesting fact 2: American cable channel VH1 voted this as the best album design ever (?)...shows what i know!

Race for the prize

You don’t need a song to tell you that life can be pretty hard for scientists (although thanks Wayne Coyne for understanding and for…umm, being professorily handsome with your wavy gravy hair). And nowhere is this truer than here in Australia.

But it could be worse…

Imagine if a Jerry Bruckheimer or Mark Burnett decided to do for science what they did for entrepreneurs, supermodels, bachelors and poor, hapless INXS?

Picture it...Auditions held around the country looking for talented lab rats desperate to get their big break in science on TV's ‘Australian Scientist’ or ‘Who wants to be NHMRC funded?’ After a rigorous training period (including lessons in makeovers and choreography), the final 12 will be culled down from thousands to compete in the ultimate contest. Each week contestants will need to complete a task – purify a protein, clone a gene, submit an ethics application, discover a new species, find a renewable energy source, etc. The audience gets to vote for their favourite contestant via text, except for some weeks when the placement of an intruder will result in a surprise eviction. The final three will get to go on an overnight conference with the judges, where they can determine if they really did feel a 'connection' with the contestant or it was just lust (what am i saying?). In the final episode, tasks will be performed outside the Sydney Opera House in a 3 hr extravaganza sponsored by Sony Xbox, hosted by Andrew G and that other guy. The lucky winner will win a one year contract from NHMRC and a publication in Nature, plus an on all expenses paid conference to Honolulu, Hawaii.

But it could still get worse…ever watched the TV show Gladiators?

Comfort or convenience?

Its been a long day, you're glad to be home to kick your feet up and watch a little bit of teevee to forget the dramas that earlier transpired in your day. then you feel a rumble in your tum. what to do? what do you reach for, (ignoring nutritional recommendations, of course)? for me, in a just world where tasty food is also healthy food (i acknowledge that its not always mutally exclusive), i would pick the bbq shape (or several, thanks) to keep me company on the couch.



what is it about these pieces of hexagonal bliss that taste so great? probably the ridiculously high sodium content and the illusion that the red bits taste spicy and the green are vegetable (so its good for you). I used to go through a box or two in my time but these days i practice some temperance and thankfully have managed to avoid situations where i might encounter bbq shapes (thank goodness the cost of these things have skyrocketed - $2.40 a box!).

Franks very much

When I was a youngster Frankston was this cool outer suburb that I imagined everyone went to in summer to get some much sought after R&R. What better way to pass your holidays than to take a dip in the pesto-hued waters of Frankston? As I grew older though, it became apparent that Frankston was not the beacon of leisure and excitement that I had thought it to be and in fact found it to be regarded as a bogan outpost by some people. These days it is more closely associated with the words ‘moccasin’, ‘Winnie blues’ and ‘Cold Chisel’ than ‘funky’ or ‘town’. In the late eighties it housed the popular nitespot (as they were called in the halcyon days of the 80’s), 21st Century Club, which played host to great bands of the day (e.g. Pseudo Echo, Uncanny X-Men, Kids in the Kitchen), but since its closure in the nineties, there hasn’t been much else to boost its profile to the greater metropolis up north and for this reason people have been rather unkind to our bayside neighbours.

I personally think this reputation is ill deserved and strange considering the crop of other suburbs that could easily vie for the title of most boganised suburb in Melbourne. What about Boronia? Sure it has its pretty and flowery name but what else has it got going for it and more importantly…where the hell is it? Is it even in the Melway? With Frankston its name might be the main problem for people. Perhaps it sounds a little too much like ‘footy franks’ or ‘frankfurter’, conjuring up nauseating images of Sunday World of Sports or Tim Curry in fishnets to some. If we’re going to be hammering on suburbs with weird names then how does ‘Ringwood’ escape ridicule? Hello Ringworm anyone?! What about Scoresby? Sounds more like an STD than a suburb “Adam has a raging case of Scoresbies that he caught off his latest pick-up conquest”. And don’t even get me started on Toorak! What is Toorak? I’ll tell you what it is it’s the sound that escapes my mouth after ingesting a carbonated beverage ‘tooRAAAAAAAAAK’. If Frankston was to go by its French name no one would dare make an issue of its Winnie blues smoking, moccasin sporting, Cold Chisel listening heritage. Sure Frankston not so hot, but how shabby does Francoisville sound? Not so funny now, eh? Perhaps this has been Frankston’s biggest problem all this time – they didn’t have the right kind of PR or vision to propel the town into its proper realm of greatness. What they clearly need is a revamp of the name, one to rival Kentucky Fried Chicken’s inspired acronymic transformation. Francoisville might not work for everyone but it’s a start.

P.S. Please accept my my fervent apologies if i have unintentionally offended residents of Boronia, Ringwood, Scoresby and poor and misunderstood Toorak. I'm sorry.

P.P.S 'Adam' and 'Scoresbies' are fictional entities and any passing resemblances to real life individuals or situations are purely coincidental.