Ways to amuse yourself during a weekend in Melbourne

1. Treat yourself to a nice coffee with fancy-schmancy patterns on it, the way only the latte-sipping, left-leaning yuppy brigade know how to:

2. Hang around Russell St in the hope of bumping into international dignataries here for the G20 economic summit. Oh hang on, what's all this then? A strong police presence?

3. Ohhhh, that's why. Yes if you wanted to pretend that mindless vandalism nicely captured by the media would get the message across to G20 dignataries to engage in fairer trade practices then Melbourne was the place to be for that sort of thing.

3. You might have also found yourself witness to the surprise appearance of these two gentlemen at a Make Poverty History concert organised to coincide with the G20 summit to raise awareness of global problems (like we need to be reminded!).

4. Given the appearance of the gentleman with the wrap-around shades in the previous photo, a sensible thing to do was to also head over to Telstra Dome and watch him with his band of merry minstrels electrify crowds of thousands. Woohoo!

Tiptoe through them tulips...

...or daffodils?

...the artzy angled experimental shot,

the bold & the multihued

and some more daffodils... uh i mean tulips. Pretty though

---Floriade 2006---

Take this job and have it...staffed

The funny thing about the nature of my work (in general terms - nothing against my new job whatsoever!) is the fact that in spite of doing this thing for a number of years i still like to wonder about what i'd like to do when i "grow up", as if this was merely a transitory stage until I'm ready to enter the realm of the adult world where jobs are about business wear, trade mergers & acquisitions, working in cubicles and worrying about promotions (i based my perceptions of this world on Dilbert). Not that i actually hark for a day where i'd have to file reports and learn how to speak water cooler talk. If i were to have a dream job where by some freak of nature i am astoundingly talented at everything i do i'd like to take a punt on the following:

1. Nature documentary host ala David Attenborough - wouldn't it be great to marvel about weird glow in the dark bugs or the unusual mating habits of the tibetan monk frog of patagonia (not sure what makes it tibetan)? I'd love to adopt his endearing ways of speech...which by the way i swear i'm not kidding, i hear him playing inside on tv as i am typing this away.

2. Travel documentary host ala Catriona Rowntree (although i'd likely refrain from her one too many bikini shots or overuse of superlatives to state the bleeding obvious) - mainly to have a legitimate and fully funded reason to go on overseas junkets 356 days a year.

3. Iron chef food appraiser - how cool would it be to be one of those eminent guests of the chairman kaga's kitchen academy y'know the ones who at the end of the show decide whose cuisine reigns supreme!?

4. Vet (i'm with you on this Yossarian) - i love my animals and i'm not too idealistic or squeamish to be aware of the less cute & fuzzy aspects of this kind of work. Our little furry, scaled & feathered friends provide us with so many benefits and simple joys that we owe it to them to help them when they aren't feeling the best.

5. Singer/muso - sure laugh if you will...but one day I'll prove the critics wrong with my unique blend of funky blues & reggae with a touch of harmonising polka all done in the style of acapala.

Adios old friend

I like Pluto. I thought everyone liked Pluto. Question is why don't the egghead astronomers like him anymore? Or at least enough to count him as a planet anymore? Just 'cos he's the little guy and he's further away from everyone else is no reason to exclude him. What's next?

How I wish I was here

Following up the meme theme from Flygirl, here is a list of my 5 favourite places in time to be...

1. Boring perhaps but sometimes the best place to be is the here and now, where you get to savour the trivial and (not always) mundane things in everyday life. For me this would be things like: sunday walks around the neighbourhood, tuning into the breakfasters on RRR every morning on my drive to work, pissing myself silly to the simpsons or futurama, sampling some mighty fine cooking c/o sis, enjoying fierce political debates with work mates complete with everyone's own conspiracy theory & the almost-religious habit of checking the age online website first thing in the morning.

2. Spring 2004, when the calgary flames came within a sliver of a hair's width of winning the NHL's biggest prize, the stanley cup, was a crazy and fun time to be in calgary. A time where most residents (meeself included, i have the t-shirt to prove it) jumped on the bandwagon and claimed to be the biggest flames fans evaah! Fans littered the streets after a win such that one street was named the Red Mile because of the sea of fans in team colours that would congregate there after a win. You had strangers high fiving one another, people yelling 'Go Flames!' like their lives depended on it, merch sales going through the roof, us piking out of work a few times to watch a game, many a frantic (though naturally fruitless) effort to score tickets online, nearly every frickin' car having a flames flag attached to their windows...i tell you those were crazy times, too bad the eventual loss in the final decider brought all that insanity to an anticlimactic end.

3. Goat's Eye Mountain, Sunshine Village Canada, gives you an amazing view of the nearby and formidable Delirium Dive, a vertical drop/run for adventurous alpine pundits (read: lunatics) out there, who don't get to scale the run unless they're equipped with a shovel, pick and headlamp first (avalanches y'see). Goat's Eye rates as one of my favourite places in the world to just sit and relax in and where you can admire a clear vista the world's most insane double black diamond runs. A thermos of irish coffee and a deck chair would just about complete the scene for me.

4. Vic Market is one of my favourite places full stop and I have a firmer appreciation of this place now that i know that not every city is blessed to have a cornucopia of gustatory delights at their disposal. The colour, the food, the fresh fruit & veg (notice the price on those bananas), the aromas, the dwarf bunnies (not to eat of course)? I'm constantly amazed at how lucky Melbourne is to have one of these wonderful places to buy tasty things from!

5. Canada Day 2004 spent with sis was a great day. We started the day by casually walking over to the city to Prince's Island park where a crowd of locals usually congregate on their national day. After treating ourselves to a nice home-packed lunch, and sampling some of the local produce on sale there (luscious Bing cherries, fragrant yellow peaches, kettle corn), we strolled over to Eau Claire Market. The 20-mins-previous sunshine had suddenly switched to the blackest-sky-ever-seen-thunderstorm and sent the crowd scurrying for shelter. Sis and I found ourselves riding out the storm with a crowd of others up on the market's upstairs (sheltered) balcony area. As soon as the storm passed, people filed outside and resumed the festivities. We decided to watch the nearby jazz band play music and had a good chuckle at the antics of a well imbibed (though nattily attired) gentleman attempting to jam with the band using his leg as a guitar. Watching Greece beat the Czech Rep in the Euro Cup semi over dinner added to the surreal nature of the day as we wondered how the heck they managed to qualify for the finals. On a whim we then made our way over to Canada Olympic Park to watch the annual fireworks display. After claiming a primo spot on a hill, we sat down to enjoy the entertainment on offer: a nice bit of country & western music and line dancing. While the fireworks were pretty nice to watch, it was refreshingly quirky to hear the crowd, upon seeing a maple leaf-shaped pyrotechnic thingy shoot into the sky (sounds weird i know), spontaneously start to sing 'O, Canada!' (in fact that sounds kinda weird too). A free shuttle ride that ferried the crowds back home and dropped us off practically right outside our door completed the grand day out for us!

Long winded stories of the you-had-to-be-there kind I'm afraid but if you want to get another dose of this meme make sure you peruse the writings of: Cassiopeia Gegenbauer, Vernoona, Flygirl, Taichi Fox and Sartorial Splendour.

What are you smiling at??

Sorry Pete but Little Johnny says...

Is it possible that even Roc Raida is in on it too? Whatever the case, its great to see the long-overdue implosion happening over at Hobbit headquarters. Not a trace of schadenfreude here, just happy to watch the self-destruction unfold...

The FIFA's gone but now come the withdrawal symptoms

In a dramatic turn of events Italy, those Azzuri baccalades who broke Australia’s heart, emerged as the eventual winners of that month long tournament of futbol madness - FIFA if you like - known as the world cup. What can you say that hasn’t been said already? Who at some point hadn’t wished that refs grew extra eyes, preferably ones with 20:20 vision? Could anyone have predicted a Brazil-less final? How many yellow cards did it really take to eject a player off a game? Who would’ve contemplated the possibility of a brawl erupting between fans after a Germany/Poland game? What provoked Zizou to headbutt himself out of his last game and France out of likely victory? Is Cristiano Ronaldo the likely successor to David Beckham as the world game’s pretty boy? Where did Ned Zelic get those suits from and did the smirk come with them? Who out there felt that the tournament lacked the flamboyance of a Carlos Valderama-type 'fro? (Okay maybe just me). And lastly, will Australia ever get over their second-round loss to Italy once and for all? Time will only tell with regards to that last matter but what a ride it’s been: the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the drama, the excitement, the mayhem, the astounding win(s), the agonizing defeats and yes, the eventual return to normal sleep patterns.

An amazing race

My dream itinerary of a trip around the world would ideally go like this:

1. Melbourne to Dunedin: Haven’t yet made the trek out to NZ and when I do I will go the predictable option and go to Queenstown to get my fix of alpine related activities and the extreme way of life by our neighbours across the Tasman sea…. I’m talking Shortland Street DVDs.

2. Dunedin to Santiago: Chile is a geographically perplexing country extending through many degrees of latitude from the arid landscape of the Atacama desert (driest place on earth) to the southern tip off the straits of Magellan, a wee 950 km from the Antarctic circle. Watching the Motorcycle Diaries confirmed in my mind that the Chilean Andes and Chile is one place I must see at some point in my life. It’s got mountains, it has great wines, it has an unfortunate episode of cannibalism in its history, alpacas, and… maybe a Gael Garcia Bernal lookalike answering to the name of Che? Plus it shares the delightfully named Tierra del Fuego with Argentina, and really, how nice is it of Chile to do that?

3. Santiago to New York: One day I will make it to NYC and try to traverse the five boroughs as espoused by the Beastie Boys (Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Staten Is.). You can’t really pass up going to a city that’s inspired so many books, songs, sitcoms, video clips and it has to be a must for anyone wanting to experience American culture - as seen on TV. So many pop culture references: Catcher in the Rye, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Sinatra, The Godfather, Seinfeld, The Ramones, Batman, Home Alone and of course Diff’rent Strokes.

4. New York to Glasgow: As much as I love the Glaswegian accent I hope I can find (and understand) someone who can tell me where to find that famous lake of legend that inspired countless episodes of ‘In search of…’ and adorned just as many covers of ‘The Fortean Times’ . I’m talking Loch Ness. Not sure if I will encounter the eponymous monster Nessie. If not, there will always be the tacky Loch Ness souvenirs to serve as happy reminders of my travels. Loch Ness Monster snowglobe? Dartboard? Tea towels? Commemorative plates featuring an etched portrait of the monster in profile perhaps?

5. Glasgow to Copenhagen: From a legend to a fairy tale, and no, I’m not talking about Princess Mary of fricking Tasmania. I’m talking Hans Christian Andersen. Although it saddened me somewhat to hear she was being targeted by vandals, I’ve always wanted to go and see the Little Mermaid statue that was created in honour of HCA’s legacy to Danish culture and fame. I’ve heard also that Copenhagen is one of the flattest (and therefore easiest) cities to cycle around in Europe.

6. Copenhagen to Sapporo: If I were to go to Japan, I think I would prefer to go to the northern island of Hokkaido and experience some serious mountain life. The mountain resorts on Hokkaido are said to be the best in the world for powder. I don’t profess to be an expert on alpine-type activities or even on knowing how to stay upright on a board long enough, so the virtues of powder are probably wasted on me. Still, spending a week skiing on one of the island's resorts would probably be the best way to wrap up my imaginary sojourn around the world. Most importantly it would help make for a nice, all-tuckered out state to help me sleep well on the flight back home to Melbourne.

Momentary Commentary

I would like someone to explain to me this rather curious trend of ex-Liberal pollies suddenly developing moral backbones when they end their political reigns of terror. Jeff Kennett receeded out of the political limelight a number of years ago and eached an epiphany to become spokesperson for Beyond Blue. No doubt he was drumming up business for them all along when he was premier. Malcolm Fraser, who admittedly is not a new face to humanitarianism, still has the distinction of having been a Liberal (a PM no less) and that's bad enough in my books. However, his opinion piece in today's age made me raise my fist in the air and say "Yeah!". It highlighted well (at least in my mind) many of the moral shortcomings of the present government of which many of us already know, but don't hear about often enough in the mainstream media. But beyond this fist raising and blood boiling and the like it started to occur to me whether a similar thing might happen with little johnny when and if he ever gives australia a break and effs off to oblivion. Hard to imagine him ever having any shred of credibility in the sharing & caring stakes but then again I wouldn't put it past him to try...

Well done boys!

Couldn't let the socceroos 3-1 dream result against Japan go without mention...how good was it to see the socceroos: (1) not just play a game in the world cup; (2) not just score a goal or two (or three if you like); (3) but actually win the bloody match!? Who would've thunk it?? This is a red-letter day moment, the sort where you ask the question of where were you when it happened. The fact that most would reply that they were glued to the teev at an ungodly hour, mindful of the fact that they had an early start ahead of them doesn't diminish in the least the significance of this momentous achievement. All up I'm stoked.
Postscript: The remarkable dream run of the Socceroos at the World Cup saw our boys defy all expectations and miraculously advance to the second round. As fabulous as and as unexpected, surely then no one could have predicted a more heartbreaking end to the second round game against Italy where our guys dominated for most of the match. Very Shakespearean (sp?) i thought. Deciding to award a penalty shot in the dying last seconds of a game? Against Lucas Neill !? Are you sure? That was probably the most cruel and most calculated way for a ref to have intervened in a game's outcome. Sour grapes? Maybe. But to those cynics who said that if Australia wanted to win they should have capitalised better on Italy's early red card. Well Portugal had a similar scenario on the weekend after a particularly thuggish display by lager lout rooney resulted in his early ejection too. When portugal had to endure extra time and penalties to get their win no one begrudged them that did they?

Nevertheless, it was an exciting, heady time to be an Australian there for a while and i'm glad that the guys had made as far as they did. As for now i say bring it on Portugal! I hope you guys get a chance to knock the socks off Germany or France or *mwhaha!* Italy!

History might never repeat

Wow! What a treat we were afforded to seeing the reformed Split Enz play a packed out Rod Laver Arena over the Queen’s birthday long weekend. Ever since it was announced that the Enz were going to reform and play a few shows around Australia (and naturally New Zealand), this has been one of this year’s most highly anticipated concerts (sorry U2). It is easy to cynically deride this kind of reunion tour as one of those feathering the nest-egg numbers that often happens with musical acts of a previous era (John Farnham, The Eagles and *sigh* Kiss to name but a few). Maybe it played a role or maybe it didn’t, but when a band sounds this great and looks like they are having such a good time ultimately who really cares? My only lament is the fact that I came so late to the party even though the songs of the Enz were such a part of my generation. Worse still, my ears still burn with the shame of having ridiculed people at high school for preferring Split Enz and Crowded House to my glam metal mulleted hunks. Imagine that? Listening to the daggy Crowded House when you could be ogling at pictures of Bon Jovi, Motley Crue and Europe (?!!). Oh well, it seems that musical taste is one of those things that evolves with age – how else do you explain the success of Crazy Frog. Big thanks to our dear friend and massive Enz fan Yossarian for organizing the tix for their Melbourne show – make sure you check out the great write up of the show!

Best Cover Art as voted by...me!

I apologise for having taken a few liberties here and compiling a list of albums covers that i don't necessarily own (well i've got a few of them, if it helps)... I picked these albums mainly for their visual impact and in one instance for clearly showing how out of control things have gone for one barely-recognisable individual (Hint: He used to own a chimp). I also happen to like the music from these albums and have picked what i regard as the defining track of the album.

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – The Beatles. Back in the days when album covers were large enough to warrant putting effort into them, you really did get bang for your buck with the detail on this cover. That way if you ever got bored with the album you could always play ‘Where’s Wally’. Notable track: A day in the life


Open up and say ahh… - Poison Despite many a mother’s refusal to buy this album (okay maybe just mine) it still was enormously popular for Poison ('who?'). The depiction of evil sexy reptilian vibes was probably the main reason mum didn’t approve. I managed to get it taped on a cassette but it just wasn't the same for me. Notable track: Every rose has its thorn

Dynasty – Kiss Placing snapshots of each band member’s make-up design on the cover helped one pick a favourite: Star Lover (Paul Stanley), Space Man (Ace Frehley), Demon (Gene Simmons) or Catman (Peter Criss), as well as armed one with the know-how of how to recreate that look. Notable track: X-ray eyes

Saturation – Urge Overkill I really love this album because the way the UO are projected on the gigantic moon made it seem like a sort of bat signal. The use of primary colours is also quite striking...also anything that makes a veiled reference to extraterrestrial matters is strangely compelling. Notable track: Sister Havana

Off the Wall – Michael Jackson Michael Jackson in the days when he was still black, still had a nose and…heck, who are we kidding, was still human. Pre-Wacko Jacko even had a sense of humour as evidenced by his decision to stand in front of an Improv comic-styled brick wall. Notable track: Don't stop til you got enough

Dishonorable mention: Sticky Fingers – Rolling Stones This Andy Warhol-designed (of course) cover trespasses into the ‘too-much information’ territory, where one is graphically reminded of what happens when a bloke foolishly decides to wear an excruciatingly pair of tight jeans, sans undies. Interesting fact 1: Motley Crue co-opted this cover for their Too Fast for Love album but mercifully without the meat & 2 veg visuals; Interesting fact 2: American cable channel VH1 voted this as the best album design ever (?)...shows what i know!

Race for the prize

You don’t need a song to tell you that life can be pretty hard for scientists (although thanks Wayne Coyne for understanding and for…umm, being professorily handsome with your wavy gravy hair). And nowhere is this truer than here in Australia.

But it could be worse…

Imagine if a Jerry Bruckheimer or Mark Burnett decided to do for science what they did for entrepreneurs, supermodels, bachelors and poor, hapless INXS?

Picture it...Auditions held around the country looking for talented lab rats desperate to get their big break in science on TV's ‘Australian Scientist’ or ‘Who wants to be NHMRC funded?’ After a rigorous training period (including lessons in makeovers and choreography), the final 12 will be culled down from thousands to compete in the ultimate contest. Each week contestants will need to complete a task – purify a protein, clone a gene, submit an ethics application, discover a new species, find a renewable energy source, etc. The audience gets to vote for their favourite contestant via text, except for some weeks when the placement of an intruder will result in a surprise eviction. The final three will get to go on an overnight conference with the judges, where they can determine if they really did feel a 'connection' with the contestant or it was just lust (what am i saying?). In the final episode, tasks will be performed outside the Sydney Opera House in a 3 hr extravaganza sponsored by Sony Xbox, hosted by Andrew G and that other guy. The lucky winner will win a one year contract from NHMRC and a publication in Nature, plus an on all expenses paid conference to Honolulu, Hawaii.

But it could still get worse…ever watched the TV show Gladiators?

Comfort or convenience?

Its been a long day, you're glad to be home to kick your feet up and watch a little bit of teevee to forget the dramas that earlier transpired in your day. then you feel a rumble in your tum. what to do? what do you reach for, (ignoring nutritional recommendations, of course)? for me, in a just world where tasty food is also healthy food (i acknowledge that its not always mutally exclusive), i would pick the bbq shape (or several, thanks) to keep me company on the couch.



what is it about these pieces of hexagonal bliss that taste so great? probably the ridiculously high sodium content and the illusion that the red bits taste spicy and the green are vegetable (so its good for you). I used to go through a box or two in my time but these days i practice some temperance and thankfully have managed to avoid situations where i might encounter bbq shapes (thank goodness the cost of these things have skyrocketed - $2.40 a box!).

Franks very much

When I was a youngster Frankston was this cool outer suburb that I imagined everyone went to in summer to get some much sought after R&R. What better way to pass your holidays than to take a dip in the pesto-hued waters of Frankston? As I grew older though, it became apparent that Frankston was not the beacon of leisure and excitement that I had thought it to be and in fact found it to be regarded as a bogan outpost by some people. These days it is more closely associated with the words ‘moccasin’, ‘Winnie blues’ and ‘Cold Chisel’ than ‘funky’ or ‘town’. In the late eighties it housed the popular nitespot (as they were called in the halcyon days of the 80’s), 21st Century Club, which played host to great bands of the day (e.g. Pseudo Echo, Uncanny X-Men, Kids in the Kitchen), but since its closure in the nineties, there hasn’t been much else to boost its profile to the greater metropolis up north and for this reason people have been rather unkind to our bayside neighbours.

I personally think this reputation is ill deserved and strange considering the crop of other suburbs that could easily vie for the title of most boganised suburb in Melbourne. What about Boronia? Sure it has its pretty and flowery name but what else has it got going for it and more importantly…where the hell is it? Is it even in the Melway? With Frankston its name might be the main problem for people. Perhaps it sounds a little too much like ‘footy franks’ or ‘frankfurter’, conjuring up nauseating images of Sunday World of Sports or Tim Curry in fishnets to some. If we’re going to be hammering on suburbs with weird names then how does ‘Ringwood’ escape ridicule? Hello Ringworm anyone?! What about Scoresby? Sounds more like an STD than a suburb “Adam has a raging case of Scoresbies that he caught off his latest pick-up conquest”. And don’t even get me started on Toorak! What is Toorak? I’ll tell you what it is it’s the sound that escapes my mouth after ingesting a carbonated beverage ‘tooRAAAAAAAAAK’. If Frankston was to go by its French name no one would dare make an issue of its Winnie blues smoking, moccasin sporting, Cold Chisel listening heritage. Sure Frankston not so hot, but how shabby does Francoisville sound? Not so funny now, eh? Perhaps this has been Frankston’s biggest problem all this time – they didn’t have the right kind of PR or vision to propel the town into its proper realm of greatness. What they clearly need is a revamp of the name, one to rival Kentucky Fried Chicken’s inspired acronymic transformation. Francoisville might not work for everyone but it’s a start.

P.S. Please accept my my fervent apologies if i have unintentionally offended residents of Boronia, Ringwood, Scoresby and poor and misunderstood Toorak. I'm sorry.

P.P.S 'Adam' and 'Scoresbies' are fictional entities and any passing resemblances to real life individuals or situations are purely coincidental.

little man syndrome

Momentarily browsed the online news this morning and spotted something that nearly made me lose my breakfast:

"PM hints he is staying put"

...can you think of a scarier thought than another 3 or 4 more years with this simian overlord dreaming up of new ways to tell porkie pies and bleed us dry? its been said that nations, for better or worse, elect the leaders they deserve. if that's the case then australians must be really gagging for some punishment? well i for one am sick of this lying piece of toe cheese - and if i had it my way he would crawl back into the cave he came from and leave us alone....today!

Speaking of little men, news of this week's birth of the spawn of tom cruise has heralded the arrival of a new era, the so-called age of preparedness (...or something). Over the next couple of years an army of his offspring (rumours of artificial insemination notwithstanding) will be groomed as the army that's going to duke it out with the overlord with the weird nose accessory (as portrayed by john travolta in 'battlefield earth'). will they succeed? will they save earth? don't ask me, i didn't watch the movie...

verbosity: (n) expressive style that uses excessive words

this morning's rrr radio show really struck a chord with me on the issue of excessive use of frilly words. Example: why do people use the word "paradigm" when they mean "example" or "standard"? what's up with that?? and what's with people's habit dropping the m-bomb ("milestones") like their lives depended on it? can't they just say "event" or "thing" or even "stuff that happens"?! maybe i'm just some illiterate hick who strangely enough can now see the wisdom in pauline hanson's pleas to "please explain?" the late but great mitch hedberg took a (maybe unintentional?) potshot at the thesaurus-guzzling set when he uttered his joke about his heavy use of word "totally":

"I totally use the word "totally" too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning: 'Hey Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches?' 'Oh! all-encompassingly!'"

...and no doubt the caller on the radio also had good intentions when he confessed to calling someone an "octagenarian" instead of an "old c---"! while the use of crude expletives (aw hell...i mean cuss words!) is uncalled for, it does raise the point again that verbosity is not the virtue that everyone thinks it is...'nuff said!!!

Phew! Only 28% Abnormal

You Are 28% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at low risk for having a borderline personality. It is unlikely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Bender: tips for better living

"Bite my shiny metal ass!"

"Hey, what kinda party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker."

"I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it."

"Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious."

"I'm so embarrassed. I wish everybody else was dead.

"C'mon, it's just like making love! Y'know...Left, down...Rotate 62 degrees...Engage rotor..."

"Okay kids, it's nine o'clock, you know what that means... daddy's sick of looking at you, so go to bed."

"My life, and by extension everyone else's, is meaningless."

(After his brain is removed) "I am Bender. Please insert girder."
(Immediately upon having his brain loaded back into his head) "I'm Bender, baby, please insert liquor!"