Best Cover Art as voted by...me!

I apologise for having taken a few liberties here and compiling a list of albums covers that i don't necessarily own (well i've got a few of them, if it helps)... I picked these albums mainly for their visual impact and in one instance for clearly showing how out of control things have gone for one barely-recognisable individual (Hint: He used to own a chimp). I also happen to like the music from these albums and have picked what i regard as the defining track of the album.

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – The Beatles. Back in the days when album covers were large enough to warrant putting effort into them, you really did get bang for your buck with the detail on this cover. That way if you ever got bored with the album you could always play ‘Where’s Wally’. Notable track: A day in the life


Open up and say ahh… - Poison Despite many a mother’s refusal to buy this album (okay maybe just mine) it still was enormously popular for Poison ('who?'). The depiction of evil sexy reptilian vibes was probably the main reason mum didn’t approve. I managed to get it taped on a cassette but it just wasn't the same for me. Notable track: Every rose has its thorn

Dynasty – Kiss Placing snapshots of each band member’s make-up design on the cover helped one pick a favourite: Star Lover (Paul Stanley), Space Man (Ace Frehley), Demon (Gene Simmons) or Catman (Peter Criss), as well as armed one with the know-how of how to recreate that look. Notable track: X-ray eyes

Saturation – Urge Overkill I really love this album because the way the UO are projected on the gigantic moon made it seem like a sort of bat signal. The use of primary colours is also quite striking...also anything that makes a veiled reference to extraterrestrial matters is strangely compelling. Notable track: Sister Havana

Off the Wall – Michael Jackson Michael Jackson in the days when he was still black, still had a nose and…heck, who are we kidding, was still human. Pre-Wacko Jacko even had a sense of humour as evidenced by his decision to stand in front of an Improv comic-styled brick wall. Notable track: Don't stop til you got enough

Dishonorable mention: Sticky Fingers – Rolling Stones This Andy Warhol-designed (of course) cover trespasses into the ‘too-much information’ territory, where one is graphically reminded of what happens when a bloke foolishly decides to wear an excruciatingly pair of tight jeans, sans undies. Interesting fact 1: Motley Crue co-opted this cover for their Too Fast for Love album but mercifully without the meat & 2 veg visuals; Interesting fact 2: American cable channel VH1 voted this as the best album design ever (?)...shows what i know!

Race for the prize

You don’t need a song to tell you that life can be pretty hard for scientists (although thanks Wayne Coyne for understanding and for…umm, being professorily handsome with your wavy gravy hair). And nowhere is this truer than here in Australia.

But it could be worse…

Imagine if a Jerry Bruckheimer or Mark Burnett decided to do for science what they did for entrepreneurs, supermodels, bachelors and poor, hapless INXS?

Picture it...Auditions held around the country looking for talented lab rats desperate to get their big break in science on TV's ‘Australian Scientist’ or ‘Who wants to be NHMRC funded?’ After a rigorous training period (including lessons in makeovers and choreography), the final 12 will be culled down from thousands to compete in the ultimate contest. Each week contestants will need to complete a task – purify a protein, clone a gene, submit an ethics application, discover a new species, find a renewable energy source, etc. The audience gets to vote for their favourite contestant via text, except for some weeks when the placement of an intruder will result in a surprise eviction. The final three will get to go on an overnight conference with the judges, where they can determine if they really did feel a 'connection' with the contestant or it was just lust (what am i saying?). In the final episode, tasks will be performed outside the Sydney Opera House in a 3 hr extravaganza sponsored by Sony Xbox, hosted by Andrew G and that other guy. The lucky winner will win a one year contract from NHMRC and a publication in Nature, plus an on all expenses paid conference to Honolulu, Hawaii.

But it could still get worse…ever watched the TV show Gladiators?

Comfort or convenience?

Its been a long day, you're glad to be home to kick your feet up and watch a little bit of teevee to forget the dramas that earlier transpired in your day. then you feel a rumble in your tum. what to do? what do you reach for, (ignoring nutritional recommendations, of course)? for me, in a just world where tasty food is also healthy food (i acknowledge that its not always mutally exclusive), i would pick the bbq shape (or several, thanks) to keep me company on the couch.



what is it about these pieces of hexagonal bliss that taste so great? probably the ridiculously high sodium content and the illusion that the red bits taste spicy and the green are vegetable (so its good for you). I used to go through a box or two in my time but these days i practice some temperance and thankfully have managed to avoid situations where i might encounter bbq shapes (thank goodness the cost of these things have skyrocketed - $2.40 a box!).

Franks very much

When I was a youngster Frankston was this cool outer suburb that I imagined everyone went to in summer to get some much sought after R&R. What better way to pass your holidays than to take a dip in the pesto-hued waters of Frankston? As I grew older though, it became apparent that Frankston was not the beacon of leisure and excitement that I had thought it to be and in fact found it to be regarded as a bogan outpost by some people. These days it is more closely associated with the words ‘moccasin’, ‘Winnie blues’ and ‘Cold Chisel’ than ‘funky’ or ‘town’. In the late eighties it housed the popular nitespot (as they were called in the halcyon days of the 80’s), 21st Century Club, which played host to great bands of the day (e.g. Pseudo Echo, Uncanny X-Men, Kids in the Kitchen), but since its closure in the nineties, there hasn’t been much else to boost its profile to the greater metropolis up north and for this reason people have been rather unkind to our bayside neighbours.

I personally think this reputation is ill deserved and strange considering the crop of other suburbs that could easily vie for the title of most boganised suburb in Melbourne. What about Boronia? Sure it has its pretty and flowery name but what else has it got going for it and more importantly…where the hell is it? Is it even in the Melway? With Frankston its name might be the main problem for people. Perhaps it sounds a little too much like ‘footy franks’ or ‘frankfurter’, conjuring up nauseating images of Sunday World of Sports or Tim Curry in fishnets to some. If we’re going to be hammering on suburbs with weird names then how does ‘Ringwood’ escape ridicule? Hello Ringworm anyone?! What about Scoresby? Sounds more like an STD than a suburb “Adam has a raging case of Scoresbies that he caught off his latest pick-up conquest”. And don’t even get me started on Toorak! What is Toorak? I’ll tell you what it is it’s the sound that escapes my mouth after ingesting a carbonated beverage ‘tooRAAAAAAAAAK’. If Frankston was to go by its French name no one would dare make an issue of its Winnie blues smoking, moccasin sporting, Cold Chisel listening heritage. Sure Frankston not so hot, but how shabby does Francoisville sound? Not so funny now, eh? Perhaps this has been Frankston’s biggest problem all this time – they didn’t have the right kind of PR or vision to propel the town into its proper realm of greatness. What they clearly need is a revamp of the name, one to rival Kentucky Fried Chicken’s inspired acronymic transformation. Francoisville might not work for everyone but it’s a start.

P.S. Please accept my my fervent apologies if i have unintentionally offended residents of Boronia, Ringwood, Scoresby and poor and misunderstood Toorak. I'm sorry.

P.P.S 'Adam' and 'Scoresbies' are fictional entities and any passing resemblances to real life individuals or situations are purely coincidental.