Franks very much

When I was a youngster Frankston was this cool outer suburb that I imagined everyone went to in summer to get some much sought after R&R. What better way to pass your holidays than to take a dip in the pesto-hued waters of Frankston? As I grew older though, it became apparent that Frankston was not the beacon of leisure and excitement that I had thought it to be and in fact found it to be regarded as a bogan outpost by some people. These days it is more closely associated with the words ‘moccasin’, ‘Winnie blues’ and ‘Cold Chisel’ than ‘funky’ or ‘town’. In the late eighties it housed the popular nitespot (as they were called in the halcyon days of the 80’s), 21st Century Club, which played host to great bands of the day (e.g. Pseudo Echo, Uncanny X-Men, Kids in the Kitchen), but since its closure in the nineties, there hasn’t been much else to boost its profile to the greater metropolis up north and for this reason people have been rather unkind to our bayside neighbours.

I personally think this reputation is ill deserved and strange considering the crop of other suburbs that could easily vie for the title of most boganised suburb in Melbourne. What about Boronia? Sure it has its pretty and flowery name but what else has it got going for it and more importantly…where the hell is it? Is it even in the Melway? With Frankston its name might be the main problem for people. Perhaps it sounds a little too much like ‘footy franks’ or ‘frankfurter’, conjuring up nauseating images of Sunday World of Sports or Tim Curry in fishnets to some. If we’re going to be hammering on suburbs with weird names then how does ‘Ringwood’ escape ridicule? Hello Ringworm anyone?! What about Scoresby? Sounds more like an STD than a suburb “Adam has a raging case of Scoresbies that he caught off his latest pick-up conquest”. And don’t even get me started on Toorak! What is Toorak? I’ll tell you what it is it’s the sound that escapes my mouth after ingesting a carbonated beverage ‘tooRAAAAAAAAAK’. If Frankston was to go by its French name no one would dare make an issue of its Winnie blues smoking, moccasin sporting, Cold Chisel listening heritage. Sure Frankston not so hot, but how shabby does Francoisville sound? Not so funny now, eh? Perhaps this has been Frankston’s biggest problem all this time – they didn’t have the right kind of PR or vision to propel the town into its proper realm of greatness. What they clearly need is a revamp of the name, one to rival Kentucky Fried Chicken’s inspired acronymic transformation. Francoisville might not work for everyone but it’s a start.

P.S. Please accept my my fervent apologies if i have unintentionally offended residents of Boronia, Ringwood, Scoresby and poor and misunderstood Toorak. I'm sorry.

P.P.S 'Adam' and 'Scoresbies' are fictional entities and any passing resemblances to real life individuals or situations are purely coincidental.